Tuesday, August 29, 2006

im fucking disgusted

with you

and with myself

im disgusted with you for breaking the promises that you made me

im disgusted with you for lying to me

im disgusted with you for PLAYING me. yes you fucking did

im disgusted with you for fucking making me change my view to life. i will now tear away these rose-tinted lenses and crush them in the dirt. then gouge my eyes out and throw them as far away as i can.

dont want to see anymore

dont want to feel anymore

dont want to love anymore

i feel like burning everything that i prepared

now that i know everything was a farce

thanks for showing me that there is no fucking thing as love in this fucking cesspit of a world.

goddammit i feel like strangling someone now



im fucking disgusted with myself for changing my views to life

mel, you were right, she is a bitch

im disgusted that i actually BELIEVED that she was for real

im disgusted that i actually thought that was love

im disgusted that i actually felt that there was hope

im disgusted that i actually thought that God had sent someone i could trust

im disgusted that i actually went back on my word that i should TRUST NO ONE

im disgusted with myself for being the biggest fucking fool on earth



all my life i have been used, betrayed and thrown aside and trodden like dirt


the problem with me?

I

NEVER

LEARN


i never learn to hate

i never learn the true meaning of distrust

i never learn that there is no one who isnt ready to plunge a blade into my festering back

i never learn that no one loves me

i never learn that i am never good enough

i never learn that my existence doesnt matter, not even to to one who brought me into this cruel world



after being stabbed again and again,

betrayed time after time,

played year after year,

cast aside AT THE END OF EVERY FUCKING DAY


I NEVER LEARN WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING LOVE IN THIS WORLD

THE CLOSEST THINGS TO 'LOVE' (i spit that out) ARE ACCOMODATION, OBLIGATION, LUST, SEX AND GREED



thanks alot to everyone around me

thanks for making me feel loved

thanks for giving me FALSE HOPE

thanks for making me the bitter piece of turd that i am today

everyone please do me a favor and go fuck yourself

i know im damn ungrateful to people who are trying desperately to cheer me up

cos i dont know who to trust anymore

so i dont trust anyone anymore

and i dont give a whooping FUCK whether you hate me or not

because im too fucking disgusted to care

sorry, i cant join you all to go to escape tml

sorry guys i cant go for mahjong on wednesday


sorry everyone, im not fucking going out at all


dont bother calling me, you know deep down you dont want to and just to want to seem like the cruel shit that you are


and to help you with that, i have taken the initiative to turn off my phone


sorry everyone this might be the last fucking time you see me type a smiley, so here goes :)


as i sat in the toilet i could literally see the darkness closing in all around me


none of my family members seem to understand the meaning of LEAVE ME ALONE


i know im useless


if any of you hate me, just say it so i can hate you back


if any of you are just accomodating me, just say it, i will back off and not ever bother you again


if any of you are fucking intending to use me, i say go fuck yourself with a fire extinguisher, then smash it on your head and dont even stop even after it turns to bloody pulp


theres nothing to gain from me


does it really give you so much pleasure to see me suffer huh?


HUH GOD DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?


DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE?


i said i dont believe in love anymore, and since God is love, i dont know what to believe in anymore


booze?

fags?

drugs?

self-multilation?

death?



all i want to do now is jump into a bottomless pit filled with cold black ink and just sink and sink and sink and sink



dont try to comfort me no more, it aint gonna help


save your saliva


like Job, i curse the day that i was born, and the cunt that i came from



for the first time in my miserable existence, i understand what dawn meant when she said that the window looked so inviting


wish i could just end it all


fuck all

leaving skool cheakie at 12:29 AM [comment]

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