Thursday, August 31, 2006

felt kinda bad. turned on my phone last night to delete some photos which umm...needed deleting. (ironic how i was so bent on taking them in the first place), when recieved jacq's msg. then jacq called. kinda shocked so let it ring a bit. didnt know what else to do. she didnt put down. so i kinda rejected the call cos i didnt want her wasting her time trying to contact me when she had important exams coming up. and i didnt want to talk to anyone either.


in case you are reading jacq, sorry, that was fucking rude of me. please work hard and do me proud. i do treasure the spastics but im at a point in time when i really dont want to talk to anyone at all. sorry.


wonder if anyone else has been trying to call me. other than jo, i doubt it. o.o


phone might been on the whole day tml cos im working. just in case my managers call.


i dont think im wallowing in self-pity. i absolutely detest people who do. i think they are pathetic. i dont pity myself. and i dont need any pity. i just wonder why everything bad happens to me, and every single time it does, its similiar.


history repeated itself since the age of thirteen

again

and again

and again

and again


i ain't getting any answers about that either. this is a period of self-reflection to find out what i have been doing wrong all this while. all i can gather now is my trust in others. i used to play Risk in Strat Club in JC, and i always lost because i was sold out by my ally (most of the time, yenn jie). yet i chose to trust him again and again.


so i gather. i STILL trust too easily.


good pilgrim, trust NO ONE, not even your MOTHER, not even your CLOSE FRIEND, not even people who SAY THEY LOVE YOU, not people who PROMISE YOU HEAVEN.


and dont ever, EVER think that just because you have done so much for them, that they will do as much for you.


selfishness and distrust: the 2 keys to survival




off to bed and try to get some sleep. work at 7am tml.

leaving skool cheakie at 11:38 PM [comment]

***

You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi


An angels smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passions a prison, you cant break free

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Chorus:
Shot through the heart
And youre to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name
You give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boys dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

Youre a loaded gun
Theres nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done


waiting for the rain to stop so i can go take some books out of the library. havent been reading for damn long. high time i caught up on my reading. anti-socialism hooooooo! O.O


been wanting to go swim for the past few days. no one can see me cry underwater. but with the really rainy weather, i bet i would probably freeze my balls off even before i get to the water's edge. so i decided against it.


hey come to think of it, i doubt i will ever be needing them balls anymore. wont be making love anymore in future if i dont believe in love anymore. so no harm freezing my balls off


maybe i would go swim after all.



no, wait. i dont have to make love, i can still HAVE SEX! silly me..no swimming till the weather is warmer.

leaving skool cheakie at 3:41 PM [comment]

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

just finished scraping the last sticker off the surface of my laptop. doesnt look so gay anymore. didnt just peel out the ones which she gave me. peeled out the hearts as well, even the madagascar sticker down the front wasnt spared. now im left with a plain-scratched white surface and a rather sticky spacebar key


being more anti-social than usual takes quite a lot of getting used to. =/


felt kinda curious so i turned my phone on after one day. hmmm. a few msgs. didnt feel like replying so i just didnt. this is changing me quite a bit



you say there was a misunderstanding, so would you please clarify it? even though she broke her promises, i still believed whatever she said at face value. i know i was used and that i didnt mean anything to her because she found someone else just days after everything. care to explain that?


wiped out her existence on my laptop as well. deleted everything that was linked to her. ivan gave me that idea. quite a bit of memory space saved from the pictures, songs and 'Friends' videos deleted. wow.


i should just say it now. she wanted me to return her the bunny. after all, it did have sentimental value to her unrelated to me. so i had decided to return it to her after washing bunny and in a pretty purple box filled with memories. i folded paper hearts to represent every day that i knew her till the day she told me that it was impossible between us. on the back of every heart, i wrote a memory. things like 'kaitlyn', 'dylan' and 'michelle', the names of our imaginary children which we had come up with together, 'secret sleepover' that i had when her parents were overseas blahblah..took me a whole night to fold the 62 of them (i suck at origami), and also wove 2 hearts from drinking straws. one red, the other transparent. the red representing the day she filled my heart with color again, and the transparent one representing the day she drained out that color.


in the box i included some objects that i wanted her to keep. this little straw hat we were playing with at spotlight, this bottle of purple nail polish, the shade that i loved on her toes (omg did i just say that?), and a snickers bar. bunny was meant to be placed inside too and returned to her.


now i feel like burning every single thing in that box and just giving her the ashes.putting bunny in a lil plastic bag amongst the ashes and paint the box black. for a moment, even bunny's life was threatened but i havent harmed her on account that it belongs to her sis. and i couldnt bear to harm the bunny who slept beside me on my pillow whenever i couldnt sleep just thinking about her.



the contents of the box are safe for now. the box is upstairs and dont think its worth my energy going up to burn them. i only go upstairs to take my going-out clothes out and since there aint much going out to do, i wont see it either.


now bunny hasnt been out of my drawer for 3 nights. i lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. dont know when sleep drags me under. dont know when i wake. sucks not being able to seek the company of my ONLY TRUE FRIEND, heineken. my tummy simply wont allow it



dont know when im gonna return bunny cos i simply dont want to see her again



gawd i dont want to cry

leaving skool cheakie at 11:13 PM [comment]

***

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

with the way i eat, i never would have imagined that i would get gastris, but i have (at least thats what the doc said)


my whole world is fucked upside-down anyway, so what is gastris to me?


black is my new favorite color, i wear black with pride


fuck all, nasty medicine misture adds to the bitter taste in my mouth

leaving skool cheakie at 4:15 PM [comment]

***

im fucking disgusted

with you

and with myself

im disgusted with you for breaking the promises that you made me

im disgusted with you for lying to me

im disgusted with you for PLAYING me. yes you fucking did

im disgusted with you for fucking making me change my view to life. i will now tear away these rose-tinted lenses and crush them in the dirt. then gouge my eyes out and throw them as far away as i can.

dont want to see anymore

dont want to feel anymore

dont want to love anymore

i feel like burning everything that i prepared

now that i know everything was a farce

thanks for showing me that there is no fucking thing as love in this fucking cesspit of a world.

goddammit i feel like strangling someone now



im fucking disgusted with myself for changing my views to life

mel, you were right, she is a bitch

im disgusted that i actually BELIEVED that she was for real

im disgusted that i actually thought that was love

im disgusted that i actually felt that there was hope

im disgusted that i actually thought that God had sent someone i could trust

im disgusted that i actually went back on my word that i should TRUST NO ONE

im disgusted with myself for being the biggest fucking fool on earth



all my life i have been used, betrayed and thrown aside and trodden like dirt


the problem with me?

I

NEVER

LEARN


i never learn to hate

i never learn the true meaning of distrust

i never learn that there is no one who isnt ready to plunge a blade into my festering back

i never learn that no one loves me

i never learn that i am never good enough

i never learn that my existence doesnt matter, not even to to one who brought me into this cruel world



after being stabbed again and again,

betrayed time after time,

played year after year,

cast aside AT THE END OF EVERY FUCKING DAY


I NEVER LEARN WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING LOVE IN THIS WORLD

THE CLOSEST THINGS TO 'LOVE' (i spit that out) ARE ACCOMODATION, OBLIGATION, LUST, SEX AND GREED



thanks alot to everyone around me

thanks for making me feel loved

thanks for giving me FALSE HOPE

thanks for making me the bitter piece of turd that i am today

everyone please do me a favor and go fuck yourself

i know im damn ungrateful to people who are trying desperately to cheer me up

cos i dont know who to trust anymore

so i dont trust anyone anymore

and i dont give a whooping FUCK whether you hate me or not

because im too fucking disgusted to care

sorry, i cant join you all to go to escape tml

sorry guys i cant go for mahjong on wednesday


sorry everyone, im not fucking going out at all


dont bother calling me, you know deep down you dont want to and just to want to seem like the cruel shit that you are


and to help you with that, i have taken the initiative to turn off my phone


sorry everyone this might be the last fucking time you see me type a smiley, so here goes :)


as i sat in the toilet i could literally see the darkness closing in all around me


none of my family members seem to understand the meaning of LEAVE ME ALONE


i know im useless


if any of you hate me, just say it so i can hate you back


if any of you are just accomodating me, just say it, i will back off and not ever bother you again


if any of you are fucking intending to use me, i say go fuck yourself with a fire extinguisher, then smash it on your head and dont even stop even after it turns to bloody pulp


theres nothing to gain from me


does it really give you so much pleasure to see me suffer huh?


HUH GOD DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?


DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE?


i said i dont believe in love anymore, and since God is love, i dont know what to believe in anymore


booze?

fags?

drugs?

self-multilation?

death?



all i want to do now is jump into a bottomless pit filled with cold black ink and just sink and sink and sink and sink



dont try to comfort me no more, it aint gonna help


save your saliva


like Job, i curse the day that i was born, and the cunt that i came from



for the first time in my miserable existence, i understand what dawn meant when she said that the window looked so inviting


wish i could just end it all


fuck all

leaving skool cheakie at 12:29 AM [comment]

***

Sunday, August 27, 2006

sweet memories



Joy Enriquez - How Can I Not Love You

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot love each other
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Chorus:
How can i not love you
What do i tell my heart
When do i not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do i not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream, cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and we must go on, must not say
What we've known all along

Chorus:

How can i not love you
What do i tell my heart
When do i not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do i not miss you when you are gone

How can i not love you

Bridge:
Must be brave and we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

Chorus:
How can i not love you
What do i tell my heart
When do i not want you here in my arms
How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do i not miss you when you are gone

How can i not love you
When you are gone





i don't usually believe in omens, but when you sent this to me, did it mean more than that?

ok anyone can tell, when i blog more than once a day, its means i have no one who wants to go out with me and am stuck at home stoning.

i am still too lazy to upload any photos of the chalet. trying to fit photos taken by a SIX MEGAPIXEL CAMERA into my harddisk would be like squeezing an elephant's butt into a Volkswagon car boot. look at em on ms OR wenting's blog by clicking on the link on the right.

leaving skool cheakie at 3:51 PM [comment]

***

work yesterday. some new chicks

kinda shocked when i saw the ungrateful slut at work. hmmm


the knot in my tummy is getting worse. cant swallow without my gullet hurting. its somewhere near my heart. wonder if its heartache


didnt eat this morning. cos chest hurt too much to try. even inhaling deeply hurts. gives new meaning to 'can't breathe without you'...hmmmmmmm


went over to visit grandma today. was kinda worried when i saw the kitchen window closed from downstairs. my suspicions were confirmed when no one responded to the knocking and calling and doorbell-pressing. i called my sis. no answer. i called my cousin. she rejected my call. so i called my aunt. she said that they had brought grandma to church. thanks ah, now that i am paying for my own travel expenses, i just wasted $1.30. fucking shit.


people say i am a pessimist. i used to view myself as a realist, but now i am beginning to agree with them. when she came into my life, things started to look up, i felt a tinge of optimism rising in my gut. then everything came crashing down just like that *snaps fingers*


from the optimistic viewpoint: if the old does not go, the new does not come.

from the realistic viewpoint: she's gone, as have many other girls, i should seriously consider turning gay

from the pessimistic viewpoint: even gays wouldnt want me, so i should seriously considered stranding myself alone on an island and live on a diet of roast monkey, rainwater and coconuts


looking at all the above, i think the pessimistic viewpoint suits me best, so i have been converted from realism to pessimism as from this moment on


okay tummy growling in protest, better try forcing something down now. pain is necessary to continue my miserable existence.


*fades into nothingness*

leaving skool cheakie at 1:57 PM [comment]

***

Thursday, August 24, 2006

exams are finally finally over! went for class chalet (or rather the chalet for director yarzman's locvid group) on tuesday. after dinner at the musical fountain which consisted of director yarzman's cold shepherd's pie, cheesecake and OR wenting's colder spaghetti (all of which didnt taste all that bad), the whole lot of us came down with a horrible bout of DIARRHOEA (or as smeagol would have said, "being indisposed"). we finished a whole box of po chai pills.



yesterday evening had a horrible flu after OR wenting insisting on trying to get the perfect shot of us jumping into the pool. after many many failed attempts (which resulted in about half a litre of chlorinated water up my nose) a caught a cold that was really really horrible..couldnt even bbq properly, only could tell them whether food was cooked or not. felt really useless. took panadol cold and watching CSI alone in the guys' room. only dared to sleep after OR wenting slept cos she had threatened to draw on anyone who slept that night.



this morning woke up not feeling much better. :(


didnt work cos reallly couldnt make it. came home and slept


every single thing reminds me of you...even the word 'diarrhoea'




I sat on the sand
and watched the sea
Gazed out at the ocean
Brine stings my eyes
Still
Wrote your name in the sand
Salt water came
Licked at it
Washed it away


So I carve it where no wave can steal
On my Heart
Blood paints it afresh
Anew

im crying without emotion

leaving skool cheakie at 9:15 PM [comment]

***

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Looking everywhere haven't found him yet
He's the big affair, I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret...
There's a somebody I'm longing to see,
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man
Some girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key,
Hmm...

Won't you tell him, please,
Please, put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me...




did you mean it then? does this have new meaning to you now? or were they just words sung to a tune...

leaving skool cheakie at 3:49 PM [comment]

***

i would like to start this post with a piece of advice: if any of you are intending to organise a concert to be held in a not-so-prominent venue, it would be nice if you told ticket holders THE EXACT ADDRESS OF THE PLACE instead of giving unclear directions!


we went for ali's choir concert at the young musicians society auditorium. now one might ask,WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT? well, turns out, we didnt know either? but thats not so bad, since we arent very music-inclined. the worst thing was, THE FRICKING ORGANISERS DIDNT KNOW THE ADDRESS EITHER!


and ali gave me directions on the phone immeadiately after waking me up that morning. for people who know me, i am very blur when i am awake normally, so giving me directions when i am half asleep, is like...i donno, erm...giving a chinaman directions on how to get to the north pole in swahili.


didnt help that we couldnt get ali on the phone. and when we did, we were forwarded to a very gay-sounding guy who gave us even more directions that we couldnt make sense of. he told us to go past NAFA and then turn right after fortune centre. it didnt really help that there were THREE NAFA CAMPUSES AROUND FORTUNE CENTRE and EVERY RIGHT TURN WOULD LEAD US IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION!


so we were a bunch of hot and sweaty guys all dressed up hiking a 300m radius around bugis mrt, complaining about the money (that could have well gone to a couple of beers) wasted on a concert we all thought we were gonnna miss.


in the end eng hong found the place and gave us a very valuable of info: THE FUCKING ADDRESS! it was hidden in a corner of bencoolen street! blardy hell....and when we reached, THERE WERE NO FUCKING SEATS...thanks ah! we stood through half of the first half till intermission. so annoying...


after that went for some beer at tingyan's place

came home.stepped into the lift and heard a soft splash.some fucker decided to relieve himself in the lift. bloody urine detection system didnt work! arghhh..pee all over the base of my left sneaker..stomped around the 9th floor lift landing trying to get as much pee off as possible.didnt work.left sneakers outside to air. hope they are fine now...so dont offend me, i just might KICK YOU


oh and another piece of advice: DONT DRINK ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVE CHURCH THE NEXT MORNING AND MEDISOC EXAM ON MONDAY. cos you simply wont be able to wake up or study...


so i missed church and have to study now...daymn

leaving skool cheakie at 1:05 PM [comment]

***

Saturday, August 19, 2006

finally seeing you
after what seemed like eternity
dull throbbing pain
was it the pain?
was it the smoke?
fire dried the tears
memories drifting amongst the coals
acrid taste of regret
sweet honey to heal a bitter heart
cooking cruelty
icy, hard relief
to endless thirst
for you
it was over before it began



ok enough. time to study for medisoc! or rather, TRY to study....daymn

leaving skool cheakie at 2:22 PM [comment]

***

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
.
.
.

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
.
.



you promised me that i wouldnt turn out like the previous guy
you promised....


this icy grip in my chest
this dull headache
happening a little too often

leaving skool cheakie at 12:18 AM [comment]

***

Monday, August 14, 2006

please come back



you have no idea how much it hurts

leaving skool cheakie at 11:29 PM [comment]

***

Sunday, August 13, 2006

empty seat on the bus next to me
melting lollie
dirty bunny
fading scent
chocolate wrappers in the trash
hot chocolate satchets discarded
stickers fading sparkle
eggs
baby photo
heineken


just went to visit grandma, she cheered me up a bit..my sisters are damn tall now...but damn skinny



grandma is so cute


i feel weird saying that now


its different when it comes from my mouth

leaving skool cheakie at 3:31 PM [comment]

***

Saturday, August 12, 2006

you blew it cheak you fucktard


go fuck yourself cheak


useless sonofabitch


as usual, so fucking close yet so fucking far


you deserve nothing less than misery


i cant sleep


someone pass me a heineken



heloooo?


damn no ones there



fine i'll get a couple myself

leaving skool cheakie at 11:48 PM [comment]

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

PHEW!! tml is the 2nd of all the big projects!! graph comm presentation...



was supposed to present a prototype bottle for Hard Tea



decided to melt and mold an existing bottle



failed MISERABLY!

at first it refused to melt in hot water

so i tried BOILING WATER

didnt work

so i tried BOILING WATER OVER STOVE!

accidentally let it rest on the rim of the pot, melted inwards!!

put it over the flame...started smelling so stopped



so decided to make cardboard dummies instead...



I HATE SKETCHING!! MY DUMMY IS SCREWED UP!!!



BUT ITS DONE! SO IS FLASH!! GAWD I WISH THIS TERM WOULD END RIGHT AWAY!

leaving skool cheakie at 2:17 AM [comment]

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

kian's birthday on saturday...happy birthday nigga..have yet to whack your nuts...party in hotel room, a full 5L keg of heineken untouched..damn wasted...was looking forward to it


FOP with jacq on saturday...wasnt too bad...had this really enthu guy behind us mimicking the jewish men at the wailing wall...scared the shit outta jacq...tongue-speaking is still scary...BUT I LOVE DON MOEN'S MUSIC! he's the only commercialised christian singer who doesnt carry airs about him...can tell that he is all out to glorify God...yep...


sunday too shagged to go to church, woke up late, felt bad cos havent been to visit ahma in 2 weeks, I MUST GO THIS SUNDAY! i miss ahma...roy's birthday! happy birthday bro!! one of the few ppl who have stuck by me since secondary school! got him red hush puppies briefs and a top from zara...and dinner at fish and co....gay outing, but nvm...unleashed the cheapo in me at G2000...sale, shirts at nineteen dollars...just grabbed...now have double the number of long sleeved shirts in my closet..after xiaobai joined us at bpp, i spent the night doing locvid...


woke up this morning with a terrible flu that is still killing me now....marketing exam on saturday...SCREWED



i swear my brains are leaking outta my nose...omg.... *sniffles* went through 4 packs of tissue today...halfway through my first box of tissues...


GOD SAVE ME!!!

leaving skool cheakie at 12:43 AM [comment]

***

Friday, August 04, 2006

4 words at 2am that meant all the world to me


"i guess so, yeah..."



(n_n)

leaving skool cheakie at 1:43 PM [comment]

***

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

the marketing green tea project is FINALLY OVER! stayeed over at car's place to rush our slides....everything was damn last minute...phew...THANK GOD jLo liked our product: HARD TEA...green tea with tongkat ali bits



wonder how he would have reacted to my idea of green tea that can be used to wash feet and for drinking purposes as well (but not after washing feet) ....BUT THAT DOESNT MATTER! ITS OVER!



bloody travel fares rising again...hmmmm...doesnt it coincide with the government's new regulation to fine bus companies for poor service like overcrowded buses or late buses? hmmm...tibs is probably anticipating the fines resulting from A CERTAIN BUS SERVICE 99 that takes FOREVER TO COME, and when it does come, it comes in PAIRS OR THREES!!! so much for regulation to protect the public, in the end, the conniving bus company makes us pay for asking for the better service that we deserve...

leaving skool cheakie at 8:55 PM [comment]

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